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k_a_webbCaitlyn thought about what Uriel had said, looking back at the choices she had made when she was old enough to be making them. He was right that her marriage had never been about love, but she wasn’t certain that it had never been that way, and yet she remembered thinking, when she was about six, that she would never marry for love. It had been something she’d been so sure about then, as she sat in bed listening to her parents argue once again about what step they should take next, because they were out of money again and it seemed unlikely that her father would be able to find work for at least another couple of months.
“You might be right,” she said, even though she didn’t want him to be. “I was happy with Nate. He never made me unhappy, although we didn’t seem to have much in common, and he never had any issues with us each doing our own thing. We’d come together at night to talk about what we’d be doing, normally when we were having dinner, which was always nice, but it was almost as though we weren’t together, really.” Caitlyn bit her lip. “Should I be a spirit guide when I still don’t know why I made the decisions that I did?”
“Being a guide isn’t about being perfect or knowing everything, anymore than being an angel is.” Uriel smiled. “It’s about being able to help the other spirits in the afterlife with their own decisions and you, by admitting that you aren’t sure, means that we have picked the right person. Not that I had any worries. There is no wrong answer, though, so if you’d have come to the conclusion that you knew why you married Nathan it would have been fine as well. Everything you do is about learning, even being a guide.”
Nodding, Caitlyn tried to shake off the feeling that she was an imposter, that she shouldn’t be a guide, because she knew she wouldn’t have been asked to take the position if the Council hadn’t been certain. She hoped. “What about angels?” she asked, needing to change the subject.
Uriel shook his head. “I wish I knew. We’re different to the other spirits here, because we don’t live lives, as such, but we can spend time on Earth if we wish to. People can see us and interact with us, although our wings disappear, which is weird.”
“Can you fly?”
“I’ve never tried to fly, but the others have and some of their experiments have worked better than others. Honestly I don’t think we have wings because we’re meant to fly, especially is Hekate is right and we are tulpas, as it means they exist due to the belief of the people who made us exist. We were written with wings, so we have wings.” He shrugged. “Sometimes I wish we didn’t have them. It marks us as being different, so everyone knows what we are when we step into the afterlife, which is why we have to plan our walkthroughs. None of them know that I’m trying to work out why I exist. They simply look at me and see an angel, someone who might be able to help guide them, help with their problems, so they flock to me, hoping that I’ll be able to give them what they want. Yet they don’t do the same with you.”
“We’re spirits like them, Uriel, so we aren’t different enough. When they see you they see something more.” Caitlyn shrugged. “Maybe you are meant to work more closely with us, in order for us to be able to help more of the spirits of the afterlife, but for a lot of them it’s simple – they come here for a rest before they move onto their next life, normally with the same spirits as they incarnated with before, and they don’t need us. Not in the way that some do.”
“Like the spirits that chose to stay on Earth.”
“Exactly. They need guidance and a lot of the time they don’t want it. When they see one of us they know why we’re there, so they shut down. None of them want to talk about the choices that they made, or why they made those choices, or what happens in the future.” Caitlyn sighed. “I went with Elizabeth when she was visiting one of them, as she was chosen to help one of the more recent arrivals, and it’s not a job I’m looking forward to. Each one of them is kept locked in a room, which is comfortable enough, until they accept that their duty is to live another life… even though the people they stayed on Earth for probably moved on centuries ago.”
“Poltergeists aren’t easy to catch.”
“They also aren’t something that can be made a priority. Richard spends most of his time helping those spirits who might become poltergeists chose to come to the afterlife and those that walk away from him tear him apart.” Caitlyn had help him while he sobbed over those failures, as he called them, so she knew how hard he took it. “I keep telling him he isn’t perfect, that he can’t expect to bring them all back, but he knows what they’ll become and that some future Death will be sent to gather them once they become such a problem that an exorcist is called in.” She ran a hand through her hair. “Even though he isn’t supposed to he often goes back to talk to them, in the hope that they’ve had time to think about the decision that they made, but he often comes away hurting more than he did when he went the first time. A couple of times I’ve tried to convince him not to, knowing how hard it is for him, but nothing I say works, and I guess that’s what makes him a good Death.”
“He cares and that’s what makes it hard, Caitlyn, but if he didn’t care then he wouldn’t have been the right person for the position. Other Deaths haven’t cared as much as he does, they’ve simply done the job because it was what was asked of them.” Uriel bit his lip. “Richard is the sort of person who would visit the spirits he brought here.”
“I know. That’s why I haven’t told him where they’re kept, even though I hate keeping it a secret from him. I just don’t want him to pile more pressure on himself when he already has enough to deal with.”
“You’ve made the right choice, but it is something you might want to tell Sam when you meet him.”
“What makes you think I’m going to meet Samael?”
“Caitlyn, you spend hours of your time with Death. Eventually it was inevitable that you were going to meet him and I can’t work out why…” Uriel shook his head. “He didn’t, did he?”
“Tell me what you’re thinking.”
“Sam and I have been getting closer recently. Reconnecting with Death, getting to know Richard, has changed him, so he’s more open to having friends who aren’t Death, like me and Gabe. One thing I think he’s beginning to pick up on are my feelings for him…” Uriel looked at Caitlyn and she could see the worry in his eyes until she smiled. “I’ve been in love with Sam for decades, maybe as long as centuries, even when he was being stupid, and now that he’s had a chance to get to know me properly I think he’s realised they exist.”
“And you’re wondering if he kept away when I was at Richard’s because he knew that you were looking forward to being the first of the angels to meet the new spirit guide.”
“It’s the sort of thing he’d do, especially as I’d told him about you before, and Richard wouldn’t have introduced you to Sam until he was certain that you really did want to be friends with him. When he did finally tell Sam I know Sam would have put two and two together, even though there was a chance that you were a different Caitlyn who’d become a spirit guide.” Uriel smiled. “So he’s going to stay away until I go back and say that I finally met you, which gives him the freedom to do the same thing, which is something he’s probably wanted to do for as long as I have. Especially as you are friends with Richard.”
“How long have Richard and Samael known each other?”
“About ten years, maybe a little less, since about three months after Charis left the afterlife for good. Richard was focusing too much on the job and Sam was worried about him, but he wouldn’t have made the move if it hadn’t been for Gabe promising that he would try to move on as well. To me it seemed as though Sam only went down to meet Richard because he thought it would force Gabe to keep his promise and I know that was something we all wanted, even though we didn’t say anything, as we didn’t want to make things harder for Sam.” Uriel shook his head. “Sam’s not stupid, so he knew how we felt. I could see it in his eyes when he told me he was going to see Richard. When he did I was ready for him to come back shattered, the same way he had been when he walked away, as I wasn’t certain that Richard would give him a chance, but fortunately he did.
“Occasionally I wonder if it would have been better for Richard to have said no, because Sam is Sam. There’s really no other way of putting it. Mikhael and I warned Sam about getting too close too quickly, in case something happens, and I think he did listen, but it hasn’t changed things. Sam sees Richard as his best friend, even though the day will come when Richard moves on, and I don’t know how Sam will take that. Sam gets close to people much faster than I do.”
“That’s something I’ve thought about,” Caitlyn admitted. “I’m going to be here longer than Richard, even though he’s Death, and losing him…” She shook her head. “When I first realised I was dead I had no idea that I’d be able to make new friends here or that I’d do something as stupid as fall in love with someone who will incarnate again without me, but that’s exactly what’s happened. Richard doesn’t know and I don’t plan on telling him, because I don’t want to make things harder for him, especially after what happened with Charis. He’s just going to worry when there’s nothing he can do about anything and it’s not as though I don’t have other friends.”
“Friends that aren’t Richard and never will be.”
Caitlyn nodded. “Sadly, yes, but this isn’t something that I should be worrying about now. Richard is going to be here for at least another five or six hundred years and I’m going to make the most of that time, even though it doesn’t really feel that long now, not when I know how long I’m going to be a spirit guide.” She sighed. “All I could think, to begin with, was that I was dead. I couldn’t work out how I could fall in love when I was dead, until I realised that really the only thing that had changed was my lack of body, which wasn’t even that much of a problem here, because it’s the afterlife.”
“Being non corporeal is really only a problem when you’re on Earth and even then it can be dealt with. The few times I’ve gone there without my body have been interesting, actually, because I didn’t realise how much freedom you have, but at the same time there are some strange things that you can’t do if you don’t have the energy or just can’t do at all.”
“I don’t go back very often and the only reason I did the first time was because I promised my granddaughter that I’d go back if there was an afterlife. What I didn’t realise was that I’d have to fill in a form, wait for the Council to give me permission, and then go down with someone, to make certain that I came back again. They didn’t have any idea that by then I’d already met Richard and I knew how difficult his job was, so there was no chance of me staying there, even though a part of me really wanted to.” Caitlyn smiled. “I think it’s that part of people that makes them cling onto their pasts the way they do, but for me it’s much smaller. Being here is fascinating and even before I became a guide I wanted to learn more about the afterlife. Richard’s promised me he’ll take me to all of the places of Death, because that is something I don’t want to miss, even though the time will come when I have to forget it all and live another life.”
“You’ll never forget it now. Being a guide does change you and your path, so even when you’re living a new life you’ll remember being here.” Uriel studied her. “How much did Richard tell you about the changes?”
“Probably more than he should have done, because it’s not something that the other guides have told me, and I have a feeling they might not know. I half want to tell them, but I don’t want to be the one to make them feel they’ve made a mistake by becoming a guide, as they won’t be incarnating on Earth again once they’ve finished their time helping the spirits here.” Caitlyn bit her lip. “Richard said that’s why they are so few spirit guides chosen, in comparison to how many normal spirits there are, and sometimes a number of us are chosen at the same time, but he doesn’t know if that’s something that will happen now or not. He just wanted me to be ready in case it did happen.”
“He’s right that it does sometimes happen and it all depends on who dies when, what stage they’re at, and if they act right when they find themselves here.”
“I know I didn’t act right.”
Uriel laughed. “You went exploring, Caitlyn. If that wasn’t a sign that you were ready to be a guide I don’t know what it. Even though you weren’t entirely certain where you were you didn’t sit and cry or act as though there was something wrong – you just started wandering, because you wanted to know what you would find, and then when Nathan did find you you realised faster than a lot of spirits do what it meant. Nathan was worried though, when you weren’t at the meadow, because he thought something might have gone wrong, until Aras told him what had happened. The way he shook his head made it obvious that he was amused with you, once he knew you were fine.”
Mirrored from K. A. Webb Writing.
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Date: 2014-03-25 04:23 am (UTC)