The World Walkers: Athare/Kankirin: Tanis: Escaping

[k_a_webb]

Twelve had been arrested. Twelve had been sentenced to execution. Twelve were planning to escape. It had been Auberon’s idea, because he could create doors from anything, which was why they were all standing around in their underwear. It was chilly, but seeing the door come together made it all worth it. Falk was the one who had freed them from their cells, with his ability to unlock doors using magic, while Bran was busy creation illusions of them all. Hopefully they would give them a bit more time to get as far away as possible if anyone happened to notice that something strange had happened. Tanis curled her arms around herself, grateful she had ended up with a group of demons who could escape. If she hadn’t she would still be sitting in her cell, waiting for the morning when they would come for her, and she would end up like so many demons had before. Dead.



Read more: http://www.kawebbwriting.co.uk/the-world-walkers-atharekankirin-tanis-escaping/

Collection: The World Walkers, Status: Complete, Word Count: 3000 - 4000

Comments

[kalloway]

Looks like this one could use another editing pass; you have some wrong words in here and some muddy pronouns.

[k_a_webb]

Pointing out any found issues is helpful, because it has been edited a couple of times, but obviously I'm still missing things. I did notice one pronoun error that I must have read over before.

[kalloway]

while Bran was busy creation illusions of them all.

Should be 'creating', I'm guessing?

Hopefully they would give them a bit more time to get as far away as possible if anyone happened to notice that something strange had happened.

I would change that first 'they' to 'the illusions' or similar because I had to read it a couple times to sort out what 'they' was referring to - the group, the jailers, or the illusions.

I don't know if you ever want comments on your punctuation, since you use a very unique style that I've never seen before.

[k_a_webb]

Thank you. I'll change them when I get a chance. Sometimes my mind autochanges things if it knows what's meant to be there. :)

I do? I use the style I was taught. Maybe it's something to do with the difference between UK schools and US schools. I've never been told that before, though, so I don't know.

[kalloway]

I actually had most of my knowledge of punctuation and formatting beaten into my skull by my first beta, who was neither British nor American, so I don't think it's a difference between US and UK schools.

You definitely do omit a lot of punctuation that I'd expect to see in any printed material regardless of origin, which I had assumed was stylistic.

[k_a_webb]

That is more stylistic, yeah. I'd forgotten about it, to be honest, because it isn't something that's been brought up for a few years - and I did have one English teacher through most of school, so she would have known my writing style well enough not to bring it up in creative writing unless there was a reason to. I don't think she ever did. There is also the issue that my style has changed a little over the years, so I find I use more on later stories than on earlier ones. When I go back I do add anything I think needs to be in, although I guess I still don't use as much as the average writer.