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k_a_webb“Emrys, from the very beginning, understood the position that you were all in.” Lucille shrugged. “I think he would have done even if he hadn’t been in contact with Athare for as long as he was. Riordan did. The fae who hid themselves away in the settlements…” She glanced around again, seeing where she was through the eyes on one of them. “Being a part of this would be anathema to them, Jarek. A few of them have changed and I know that because I’ve met them. The rest, though, are still doing their best to cling onto a past that’s so far gone I don’t understand why they’re trying to.”
“It’s the easiest thing for them to do – change has always been terrifying to the fae, in general, so hiding themselves away and holding on tight to the past makes them feel safe.” He smiled. “My mother, if she was here, would be no use whatsoever. There were days when she had trouble accepting that we really had left Kalinia behind, because it wasn’t something she could ever have imagined doing. Even helping to make the Web would have been too much for her.” The smiled faded. “I remember when my father died, which wasn’t long before we left Kalinia for Athare, she couldn’t let go and sometimes I think it would have been better for her to stay behind, even though that would have led to her death. At least there she wouldn’t keep being reincarnated with the same memories.”
“That sounds horrible.”
“For someone in my position it’s hard, but for her… there have been times when I wished I could have been there, just to look after her, and then I remember why I walked away in the first place. Having to watch that…” He shook his head. “It wasn’t something I could have done, no without losing my own mind, so I know that I made the right choice to leave. My sisters chose to stay. I tried to convince them to come with me, knowing that they wouldn’t, because Mum always came first for them. I always was closer to Dad.”
“Do you remember all of the lives you lived?”
Jarek smiled at her. “You mean do I remember lives that I lived on Kalinia?” Lucille nodded. “I do and one day I would be willing to talk about them, as long as I was with the right person. Meriwether doesn’t for a reason.”
“How did you know that?”
“You asked a question that you would only ask if you knew someone who hadn’t. Meriwether is the only past-fae that you’ve been talking with recently, so the only logical thing for me to think is that he’d told you he didn’t, and that’s something I do need to talk to him about in the future, because I think he might be able to get them back, if he wants to.”
“Knowing Merry I believe he would want to. Why doesn’t he already have them?”
“Before the life we left for Kalinia he was someone very different, someone who’d been through a lot, and he chose to let go of those memories in a ritual that isn’t anywhere near as permanent as the berries that we use within the Web. If he was to reverse the ritual he would get them back and I would be by his side throughout the whole process, as I knew him in that life. Sometimes I think I knew him better than he knew himself.”
“Can you tell me how you knew him?”
“We were lovers, Lucille, and we had been for a very long time. Very few fae remembered their past lives on Kalinia, but we did. Every life we lived we chose to be together, because we did love each other, until that last life changed everything for both of us, which is something I can’t talk about.” Jarek looked as though he was going to brush his hair through hair he didn’t have any longer. “He meant everything to me and I had to let it all happen. If I hadn’t he wouldn’t be the person he is now, the person I finally think will be able to cope with the mistakes of the past, especially considering some of the lives he’s lived.”
“Don’t think I’m judging you, because I’m not, but have you been following him from life to life?” The way he nibbled his bottom lip told her he had and he was embarrassed about it. “Even after all this time you still love him?”
“No matter how hard I’ve tried to push it away it’s still there and I know the time is coming when I’m going to have to tell him about all this, because he deserves to know. I just… it’s so hard. I’m scared that when I do tell him he won’t believe me, or he won’t want to get his memories back, or he will get them back and he won’t love me any longer.”
“Until you tell him you never will know how he’s going to react. The only thing you can do is tell him, otherwise you’re going to be in this limbo for the rest of your existence.”
“I know, but the logic of it all doesn’t make it any less terrifying. He’s still special to me and if this all goes wrong I will lose him for good. That is the last thing I want, as well as something I don’t think could happen – there’s just this voice in the back of my mind telling me that it’s all going to go wrong.” He sighed. “It sounds a lot like my mother.”
“Come to the bed and breakfast tomorrow. Get it done, because this isn’t going to get any easier for you and I can hear the strain in your voice, even though you are very good at hiding it.”
“Lucille…”
“Do it while I’m here to hold your hand, Jarek. It’ll be easier if you have someone there who already believes you.”
“Why would you help me? We barely know each other.”
“Merry is one of my friends and I want him to be happy. He’s the sort of person who won’t be happy unless he knows the truth. It also helps that I can hear the love in your voice. To me it’s obvious how much he means to you.”
Having a conversation about love in the middle of a battle that was still raging was strange. Lucille was still paying attention, but it was in the background, like it wasn’t really happening around her. What mattered was the conversation she was having with Jarek, something she never expected to happen, because the last thing she’d expected was to be standing in the middle of a vision working alongside a raccoon who had once been on of the Gold family, and there was a part of her that still couldn’t accept it was happening. Her life had changed more than she thought possible since she’d started working to save Quiar from the counterfeit ring. It was going to keep changing. Everyone she met was going to touch her in some way.
“He shouldn’t.” Jarek sighed. “After all this time I should have been able to let go of him, but I haven’t, and I know that is partly my fault. If I hadn’t chosen to follow him from world to world without ever letting him know I was there…” He shook his head. “I’m an idiot, Lucille. I do want to get this done, though, so I think I will come to the bed and breakfast tomorrow. You promise you’ll be there.”
“I promise, Jarek.” She reached out and took hold of his hand. “No matter how long you might live I think it’s important you spend as much time as you can with the people you love, especially someone you obviously love as much as Merry.” She couldn’t help smiling. “Things are going to go well for you.”
“You can’t know that.”
“I do.” Their eyes met. “I know Merry well enough to know how he’s going to react to this and he’s going to be much happier than I think you can ever imagine, because of the fear you feel that he’s going to turn his back on you after you’ve spent all of this time waiting to tell him the truth.”
Jarek looked around. “How is it we ended up having this conversation here?”
“Luck and the fact we’re making the most of the time we have before we need to start changing things, because neither of us know how that’s going to work. Talking about love is a good way to combat the deaths that are happening around us.”
Nodding, he smiled. “I think you’re right about that.” He nibbled his lip in a way she didn’t think anyone who’d always been a raccoon would have done. “We will need to focus soon though, as we’re getting closer to the end of the battle.”
Mirrored from K. A. Webb Writing.