The World Walkers: Athare: Sibeal: Looking Back

[k_a_webb]

Father had always thought it important that I didn’t take his mistakes out on my brother, the way the rest of the family did. Emrys didn’t chose to be born the child of two families who believed themselves to be enemies. He didn’t ask for my entire family to treat him like he had some sort of communicable disease, that, of course, meant that the other families treated him in very much the same way. The Gold family refused to accept he existed, even though he quite obviously did, and the woman who had borne him wasn’t permitted to see him at any time, or the man she loved. Instead they were both forced into other handfastings, in an attempt to fix the damage that had been caused by their relationship. I was born a year, to the day, after Emrys, which my grandparents believed was wonderful luck, because it meant they could celebrate on my brother’s birthday without it damaging them any more, and I hated that more than I came to hate them.

Emrys and I were never close. Mother… she didn’t think the same way Father did. When she looked at Emrys she saw a stain on our family’s honour, one that she would never be able to get rid of, and she would have preferred it if Father had simply pretended his first born son didn’t exist. Of course that would mean my younger brother would inherit everything from Father instead of Emrys, but Father wasn’t having that. He loved Emrys. I think it helped that Emrys had his mother’s eyes, pure gold, and every time Father looked at Emrys he was reminded of the wonderful times he’d spent with the only woman he ever truly loved. She died, sadly, before we left Kalinia, because I know he would have handfasted her now if she’d survived. Even though I did make sure I spent time with Emrys, to please Father, I’m certain my brother, my wonderful brother, knew why I was doing it then.

It wasn’t until we did travel to Athare that I realised why I should have actually listened to Father. Emrys is a good person, but back then I was more inclined to listen to Mother, as she was always around more. Father was working, or he was spending time with Emrys, or he was spending time with Mother, and I felt like he saw me as little more than a burden. Knowing now that I was wrong doesn’t change anything. All of the choices I made then were based purely on that. Spending more time with Emrys than me didn’t help, although I understand now why he did. There are so many things that changed for me when we stepped onto Athare, Father, Emrys and me, finding ourselves living together for the very first time, and that meant we had no other choice. Spending some time together was our only option, because we were sleeping under the same canvas.
We were the first people Emrys told about Athare. I have no idea why he chose to tell us… no, that’s wrong. I have no idea why he chose to tell me, when he must have been certain that I would disbelieve him, although I know why he told Father. Father had always been there for him, right from the beginning. That night is one I still remember like it was yesterday, especially when I spend my time working on my two worlds, knowing that he’s going to call me eventually to help him with his. When the worlds were being shared out between us he was still in a coma, one he’d told me about before it happened, fortunately, otherwise I would have been much more worried than I was. He didn’t want as many as he was given and neither did Riordan, but I was only given two so I offered to help both of them.

Unfortunately it didn’t take long for us to split into two groups after that – those of us who believed Emrys and those of us who didn’t. Aubrie, Riordan’s cousin, led the group who refused to accept Emrys was telling the truth about Athare. I remember the pain in Riordan’s eyes when he realised that she was going to do everything she could to fight him, and Emrys, because she thought she knew best. Once that had happened it wasn’t long until the Yellows did the same thing. There was nothing we could do to stop it from happening, so we did our best to mitigate the damage it might cause, especially as the elders were looking for a way to stop us from creating the Web. Fortunately Aubrie understood that, so we kept our arguments within the building. Outside of it we acted as though everything we fine between us.

That did get harder once Emrys woke up. I think Aubrie was hoping that he wouldn’t, because she thought she might be able to convince Riordan to work with her if my brother wasn’t around, but once Emrys was better Bronwen started spending more time with him, which, of course, meant that Riordan was still on Emrys’ side. Even though I should have I didn’t go to visit him when he was recuperating, in part so I could spend more time in the room we gathered in, because Aubrie didn’t know then that Emrys and I had fixed our relationship. Occasionally I felt bad about what I was doing, but I thought it was better that we knew as much as we could about her sides plans, so we had a chance of making sure they didn’t cause too much damage, although I knew from Emrys’ journals that the Witches were a very bad idea. Emrys, fortunately, heard about Aubrie’s decision from Bronwen, and she told him we’d been working on ideas to fix things.

At that time we hadn’t, although I think Emrys started working on his own as soon as Bryn started going to see him. I’d always like Bryn, and Piaras, so I’m glad the two of them had started to become friends with Emrys. Unfortunately my brother had always found it difficult to open up, after everything he’d been through it was understandable, but they had a shared interest that meant they had plenty to talk about – creating the Web meant we all had plenty to talk about, even if we didn’t like each other. Piaras didn’t get to visit as often as he’d like to either, but then he was working with me to infiltrate the other other side, which is something we still laugh about now. All of them still visit me, even though Emrys has been gone for nearly a decade now. He didn’t tell me he was going and instead left me a letter to explain his choices.

‘My dearest sister,

I am so sorry. Telling you would have been a mistake and we both know it, because you would have talked me out of going, no matter how hard you tried not to. Even the thought of leaving you behind after everything we’ve been through is harder than I could ever have imagined. Unfortunately this is something that I have to do. Athare needs me sometime else, so I’ve done what needed to be done, taking my journals with me. You have copies. You know what to do with them. Three places, sweetheart, if you can, as well as the second continent of Athare. We talked about that one before. Yes, I did know then that I’d be leaving, which is why I talked to you about what I needed you to do with those copies.

There are so many things I want to say and none of them are going to make you feel any less betrayed, so I don’t know why I’m even bothering. You have no idea how much I wanted to say something, to warn you, but the other reason I didn’t is because I didn’t want someone to get angry with you for no saying something. I know Rio won’t, but the others… I know they’re still unhappy with you for what you did when I was recuperating and I didn’t want to make things worse. Maybe they won’t automatically think you knew, but I doubt that, so I’ve written a second letter for you to show them, one that doesn’t include things we don’t want them to know.’

Aubrie stormed into my room, not bothering to knock, the morning after Emrys left. She accused me of knowing he was going, even though it was obvious from the way I was crying that I hadn’t known. If I had I wouldn’t have told her. He had things to do in other times and I think I always knew that. From the very beginning Athare had relied on him, so of course she was going to do the same once we’d finished the Web. She was going to take him through time, to when he’d be needed, so he could be in the right places at the right times, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. Father was devastated too, but once I explained things to him he understood why Emrys had made the choice he did and it actually brought the two of us closer. I always appreciate the silver linings. You have to, really, because the Web is not a safe place to live, not when the door magic we used seems now to have a life of its own.

I’m not surprised. So much of what we did was guesswork and even now I’m certain there are things that Athare fixed because we didn’t quite do it right. Even with her help, and Emrys, it was hard to get everything working the way it should, and it was one of my worlds that chose to shut itself off from us. That’s something I felt really guilty about, as thought I’d done something really wrong when I was creating Aerith, but Aerith wasn’t making the decision based on anything I’d done – Aerith was making the decision based on the choices the fae, as a group, had made, which is something I understand. If I was in Aerith’s position I believe I would have done the same thing. Most of the choices my race have made are choices that I cannot agree with.

From what I’ve been told there is a chance I might be able to talk with Aerith. I hope that happens, because I want my world to know why I made the decisions that I did when I made it a world with only one season. The world isn’t going to be one that’s easy to live on and I was hoping that it would have the connection to the rest of the Web to make things simpler, but Aerith took that away, so that he didn’t have to deal with my race. Maybe I’ll be able to convince him that we aren’t all terrible people, although I don’t think I helped much when I made him the way I did. When I think of Aerith I wish that Emrys was here. He did tell me that Aerith was a world that would be safe to make and he might well have known the choice that Aerith was likely to make in advance, but he never said anything.

Of course that could be because he didn’t know. Even though we seem to think he did Emrys didn’t know everything. He only knew what Athare told him and if Athare didn’t know, which is entirely possible, then he couldn’t have told me in advance. I miss him every day and I always want to talk to him, because we did used to spend a lot of time together. Now I spend that time with Father, if I can, or Piaras, but it isn’t the same. They aren’t Emrys, they never will be Emrys, and my brother is somewhere in the future where I’ll probably never be able to see him again. It makes me realise I should have spent more time with him when I could, but I never knew what was going to happen.

Mirrored from K. A. Webb Writing.

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