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k_a_webbFor a time she tried to talk me out of becoming Death, because she knew it meant I wouldn’t be sharing her next life with her and she thought she’d miss me. When I went to guide her back to the afterlife after she’d died once more she said she didn’t even notice that I wasn’t there with her until the end, as that’s when some spirits begin to get memories of lives they’ve lived before, but during the time she spend looking back at it she realised she had actually missed me more than she realised. There were moments both of us were certain were points when she was thinking there should be someone else there, as we’d been thinking I might be her daughter once more – but she was going to incarnate as my father, instead of my mother.
Then I realised that I was needed in the afterlife more and her plans changed. She decided to move on to her next life with the man who was my father as her mother, to see how loss would affect her in that situation, and promised she would be the one to be lost in the next life, which he decided was a fair way of doing things. Even though I really wanted to my mirror wouldn’t let me see their life, but I think one of the Record Keepers felt sorry for me because he’d let me in once every month or so to read their books. It did help me when I went to get her, so I talked to him about that and asked if I could see if it would work with spirits I didn’t know as well.
It took me a little while to convince him, but I did, because he became just as curious as I was to see if knowing something about the spirit that I was helping, something that the Council hadn’t told me in the files they send, might help. The next two times it did, so we decided it was something that would work for most spirits, and then the next one I got was more stubborn. She wanted to haunt her ex-husband, because of the choices he had made, which, considering what he’d done, was understandable. Unfortunately my job is to get the spirits back to the afterlife, not to let them stay on Earth because I understand why it it they want to.
My first stop was the Record Keepers. Together Max and I went through her lives, to see if there was anything we could use to convince her to return. I wasn’t expecting him to help, so it was a nice surprise, especially as there were several points in time that seemed like they were something I could work with and it helped to be able to talk to him about what he thought might work best. When I went back I talked to her about the lives she had lived before with the man who was her husband. Fortunately learning that she had been the one to betray him in the life before helped, as did learning they had been siblings in a previous life who had supported each other through everything.
While I was talking to her I realised something important that the Deaths before seemed to miss about the job. Yes, we are here to guide the spirits to the afterlife, but that doesn’t mean we can’t show them compassion and empathy. Although, now that I think they weren’t right for the position, I wonder if that was a part of the problem. Someone who is meant to be Death can do just that, while those who were given the job because his predecessor wanted to move on were stop gaps, they were never supposed to take on the duties of being Death, but they wanted to help the one who had come before.
Now that I am Death I’ve realised that is the most stupid reason to take on a job, but it was why I did it and I don’t doubt that it will be why my successor does. It’s strange to think that one short vision, where I was viewing my last mother’s perspective of a conversation we had, could get me to think so much about what it means to be Death. Maybe that was why I saw that one, because, even though we haven’t seen each other for a while now because she’s living another life, she still means a lot to me. Whenever she returns we make certain to spend some time together and catch up, although it’s very different to the catch ups we might have had if I had made the decision to marry in my last life.
Instead of talking about the spirits that I’ve guided back to the afterlife I could have told her stories about my children, even though I’d never really wanted them, and she could have told me stories about the men she was dating. That was actually the first question I asked her when I died, because she was my greeter – did I stop you from finding someone else to love? Having her wrap her arms around me and tell me that I was asking stupid questions was the nicest thing she could have done. She loved me, she accepted that I didn’t want to marry (in the end), and having me there to the end of her life was something she appreciated more than she could possibly put into words.
She followed that up by asking a stupid question of her own. Had my attachment to her made my later years more difficult? It might have done, if I didn’t have such a close relationship with my sisters, but one of my younger sisters, in preparation for the day our mother died, had created me what would now be called a granny annex. I lived with them, paid them rent, and still made her bread, in return for this lovely space that they’d built just for me. My nieces and nephews loved having their auntie live so close, especially as I taught them things that their parents hadn’t – like how to make good bread.
The next vision was one of a past I hadn’t been a part of. It was the day when Samael chose to walk away and I’m not all that surprised that I saw it when that was something I had been thinking about before I left. As I have Death’s journals I have always been able to see it from his point of view (the reason I have never called the Deaths by their name is because very few of them chose to put their names in their journals, as though once they became Death they were no longer the person they were before) but, obvious, I have never had a chance to see it from Samael’s point of view before.
It was the first time I’d ever seen him. Did he look anything like I was expecting? No, not really, although he did have wings. That was what told me it was Samael rather than a spirit. At first there was no sound, but it was obvious that the two of them were arguing about something. I had a feeling it was the last time they’d seen each other, from the tears that were streaming down both their cheeks, although I told myself not to assume anything. There was always a chance that I was seeing something else. While there was no sound I took the time to study both of them.
Death was wearing what appeared to be a cloak of some form. I couldn’t see any of the clothing underneath very well, as he was wearing entirely black, so he kind of looked like a shadow. The strangest thing was his bright blond hair and blue eyes. His hair was long enough to brush his shoulders and he was fortunate that he was dead, otherwise his lovely black clothing would have been covered in light hairs. When I finally saw his eyes I could see the pain in them and there was a part of me that wanted to wrap my arms tight around him. If I’d have been there that’s exactly what I would have done, as well as telling him that if he was strong everything would be fine. He just needed to keep going, instead of letting the loss of Samael affect him as badly as it did, but there was no one there to tell him that.
Samael had blue hair and eyes, and the longer I looked at him the easier it was to tell that he shimmered slightly. I don’t really know how to describe it, because it wasn’t something I was expecting, and I have a feeling that it’s something they tone down the majority of the time, but because he was so upset it wasn’t something he was focusing on. Instead all his attention was on Death, on the argument they were having, and, most likely, on the decision that he’d made. He needed to walk away, even though he didn’t really want to, for his own peace of mind. The most time I spent looking at him the more emotions I felt coming off him, which I’m guessing was something to do with the lake.
He was already beginning to regret the decision he’d made. Walking away from someone he loved seemed like a mistake, but he couldn’t say goodbye again. Not to him. Another tear trickled down his cheek. It didn’t matter how often he was called a coward, or any of the other names that were being used against him, because he knew he was one. Afraid of losing someone he loved. Yet that was exactly what he was doing by walking away. Even though it was his choice he was still saying goodbye. Breathing deeply he brushed a hand through his hair, trying to keep himself together, trying not to let the arguments change his mind, trying not to let the proclamations that Death loved him back affect him.
Knowing that Death loved him back didn’t help. It didn’t change things. He was meant to be nothing more than a colleague, someone who supported Death at the hardest points, but falling in love with him wasn’t a part of that. Someday Death would move on to another life and being in love with an angel, someone who never left the afterlife, would make that so difficult for him that Samael knew walking away before they felt too much for each other, not that they didn’t already, was the best option. That way at least he’d be able to move on when the time came.
“I’m sorry,” he said, again, for the hundredth, thousandth, millionth time. He’d keep saying it, until Death understood nothing was going to change his mind. “I never meant for this to happen.”
“You think I did,” Death replied, scrubbing the tears off his cheeks with the side of his hand, looking as though he was either going to explode with rage or fall apart with grief. “You’re an angel. I never even thought you existed until you walked into my house and said you would be training me for my new position, looking all sure and certain of yourself, when I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was that someone had asked me if I wanted to become Death, my predecessor looked at me with those damned sad eyes that told me he couldn’t do the job any longer, and I said yes, because I’m obviously an idiot. Only an idiot would have let this happen to them.”
“This isn’t something you let happen.” Samael sighed. “You became Death because you were meant to be. It was after that everything went wrong, because I did something that should never be done, and I’m sorry.”
“How many more times are you going to say that? It doesn’t change anything. You’re still going to leave me to deal with this alone, because you’re scared of what you feel for me, because you’re scared of what it means, because…” He shook his head and seemed to be trying to calm himself down, although I didn’t think it was working very well. “Sam, I get that you’re worried about feeling more for me than you should, as you’re an angel and you’re going to be here for the rest of your life, however long that turns out to be, while I’m going to leave at some point, but that doesn’t mean you should walk away.”
Mirrored from K. A. Webb Writing.
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Date: 2014-04-01 04:07 am (UTC)No typos found.