The Donor House: Advent Story (part 22)

[k_a_webb]

Part 1; Part 2; Part 3; Part 4; Part 5
Part 6; Part 7; Part 8; Part 9; Part 10
Part 11; Part 12; Part 13; Part 14; Part 15
Part 16; Part 17; Part 18; Part 19; Part 20
Part 21

This time Lily did reach out and squeeze Sullivan’s shoulder. “You changed him for selfish reasons, but that didn’t make him who he was. That was down to what he’d lived through, which was not your fault, because you did want to be there for him. We all make mistakes, Sullivan, we all do things that we end up regretting, because we didn’t think the decision through or because we do something to make ourselves feel better without having any idea what the consequences will end up being. It was impossible for you to know how your son was going to react to becoming a vampire. He could have gone the other way entirely, instead of choosing to take the path of revenge.”

“What would you do?”

“I don’t know. My hope is that I’d be more sensible than your son was and think about what good getting my revenge would really do me, because as much as I hate my parents for what they did I know that hurting them is not the right response. I’ve always promised myself that I won’t become them, no matter what, and I did, for a while, think about running away when I was younger, but I realised that it wasn’t going to help. There was every chance I’d end up in just as difficult a position as the one I was already in, so I just kept putting up with it.” Lily bit her lip. “I shouldn’t have. I know that now. It’s just when there’s someone there telling you that you’re worthless every day of your life you really begin to believe them. I couldn’t tell you when it was that I stopped trying to feel like I was worth something, but I know I was young and I think I’ll regret making that choice for the rest of my life, but at the time it didn’t seem like there were any other options.”

“Did they ever hurt you?”

“Not really. Occasionally they’d grab my arm and leave a bruise, but they never beat me or anything. Sometimes I wished they would, because then at least I’d have proof of what they were doing to me, and yet I don’t think I would have been able to cope with that on top of everything else. The mental abuse was quite bad enough, having them tell me that I’d only been born because my mother hadn’t realised she was pregnant until it was too late, so I was always expected to do as much around the house as possible, while my siblings, the children they’d chosen to have, did nothing, and, of course, the work I did was never good enough. More often than not I’d have to do everything again because it wasn’t up to their standards. I know it was just another way of keeping me down, making me feel useless, and then when the House opened they told me that they needed me to apply, otherwise they’d lose the home they’d worked so hard for. They could easily have been lying to me, but I didn’t care. It was a chance to get away, to start again, and yet…” Lily sighed. “Nothing I’ve done recently has helped me in any way to let go of the past. I even invited them for the decorating of the Tree, because I didn’t know how to tell everyone here that I didn’t ever want to see my parents again, because then I’d have to admit what they’d done to me, and I wasn’t ready for that.”

“What made you change your mind?”

“The realisation that I’m not the only person to have dealt with something like this, even though there are times when I feel like it. If I can accept what I’ve been through maybe I have a chance of helping other people who have dealt with similar problems and the House could become a sanctuary for them as well as vampires who need a home, addicts who want help, and anyone else who needs sanctuary.”

“Lily, you’re going to have to deal with your parents first, because I know they’ll come. They’ll want to make sure that you haven’t started to feel different, to feel like you are someone who’s worth something, and you’re going to need support. Inviting them was a mistake, but it was a mistake that anyone in your position would have made, because no matter how they made you feel they are still your parents, they did still raise you, and you still feel like you owe them something.”

“How are you in my head?”

“My son wasn’t the only abused child I’ve ever know – he’s just the only one I was stupid enough to change. There are others who have been changed, who’ve taken different paths, and I spent some time talking to them, trying to understand why my son made the choices he did. It’s given me a chance to understand him, because he took that away from me when he decided it would be a good idea to go after an old vampire who ended up killing him.” Sullivan shrugged. “He made bad choices for the sole reason that he didn’t know what good choices were and I can’t blame him for that. Thanks to what my ex-wife did he never had a chance to learn, so when I changed him he saw his chance to make himself feel better, even though nothing he did helped, and I think, in the end, that was why he went after a vampire he knew he couldn’t possibly beat. Becoming a vampire had given him a chance to get his revenge, but it didn’t help, so he ended it all instead, because otherwise he believed he would have to spend the rest of his immortal life hating himself.”

“Revenge is never a good option.” Lily bit her lip. “If I tried to get my revenge then all I’d do is end up leaving my siblings without parents and I couldn’t do that, because the parents they have are entirely different to the parents that I had. They’re were wanted, they’ve always been loved, so by taking that away I would change their lives in a way I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Instead of having two parents who loved them they’d be alone and, as much as I wished I could, I’ve never hated my siblings. At times, when our parents weren’t watching, they’d help me with the chores I’d been given or they’d share their allowance with me so I could have the occasional bar of chocolate, even though we all knew that if my parents found out about what they’d do they’d lose all their privileges for a week or more. Unfortunately we knew that from experience.

“There was a day when my younger sister decided that it was her turn to help me out and that I should spend some time playing one of her new computer games.” Lily smiled. “It was wonderful, but my parents came home earlier than we expected, so we were in the wrong places when they returned, and she lost all her privileges for a month. From what they said I think they were hoping it would stop anyone from helping me, but it didn’t. We just got more careful, so that nothing we did could ever be noticed, although some days I didn’t manage to get out of doing my chores because it was a day when they decided I hadn’t done the work well enough.”

“Yet your siblings would have backed up your parents if you chose to talk to someone?”

“I told them that was their best option, on the day my siblings came to me and said that the way I was being treated wasn’t right, that we should tell someone about what was happening. That’s a day I remember, because they kept telling me that I was wrong to keep it all to myself, but I asked them what proof we could possibly show that I was being mistreated in any way. Yes, I had mental scars and there were days when it took all of my energy to just get out of bed, but that wasn’t evidence. All of them thought that telling someone would be enough, it would get me the help I needed, but, even at ten, I knew better than that. My parents would lie and I told my siblings that they should lie if anyone asked them about what was happening at home, to protect themselves, because I didn’t want any of them to be in the same position as me.” Lily shrugged. “I don’t know if my parents would have, but that was my greatest fear. Losing their allowance for a month, or the use of one of the games consoles, didn’t really hurt them in any way. Losing their parents’ love would have.”

“At ten you shouldn’t have been thinking that way, Lily.”

“Do you really think I don’t know that? As soon as I started school I realised that the way I was being treated at home wasn’t normal, wasn’t how everyone else was treated by their parents, but I didn’t know how to put into words that I was being abused. Then when I could I had my siblings to protect and that came first. I could tell from the very beginning that the relationship they had with my parents, that my parents had with them, was very different to the relationship that I had with them. Every day I cried myself to sleep, trying to work out what I’d done to make them hate me, when they didn’t hate their other children, but the only reason I could ever come up with was that they were wanted and I wasn’t.” Lily wiped away an annoying tear, because she didn’t want it to keep hurting – especially when there was nothing she could do to change things. “There might have been another reason, but they never told me what it was.”

“Have you ever seen your birth certificate? Is there a chance that the man you think of as your father might not be? That might explain why he treated you the way he did and if there was a reason for your mother to hate the man who made her pregnant that would explain her behaviour. I’m not saying that’s going to make what they did any better, but at least then you have a reason for what happened, and maybe having a reason will help you to move on.”

Lily shook her head. “No, I’ve never seen it, and I’ve never had a reason to believe that my father isn’t my father.” She bit her lip. “It’s a question I’ve never thought to ask myself, even though it is one that I probably should have. Being unplanned never felt like a good enough reason, but it was the only one my siblings were ever given when they asked why I was treated differently to them, and I didn’t think my parents would ever lie to them, which may just have been me wanting to believe that, even though they keep it deeply hidden, that they might actually love me – they just didn’t know how to show it when I was born and after that it was too difficult. I don’t know. I guess I just always rationalised what they did, because I couldn’t understand why they didn’t love me.” Swiping away another tear she looked over at the door, knowing that they could walk through it at any moment. “Why didn’t they love me when they loved my siblings? What was it about me that they hated so much, when I was their child?”

“There may not have been a reason, Lily, so they came up with one, because they wanted your siblings to understand why they treated you differently to them. It’s unusual that you had siblings who cared enough to help you – my son’s didn’t, taking their cue for the way their father treated his step-son, and that might well be why you have a very different way of looking at it all to him.”

Mirrored from K. A. Webb Writing.

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[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

>>“My son wasn’t the only abused child I’ve ever know<<

That should say "known" above.

>>They’re were wanted<<

That should say "They were" above.

This is a good discussion of emotional abuse; it can be really hard to prove because there's so little visible evidence. Often the victims just aren't believed.