October Prompted Fiction: Afterlife Collection: Richard - An Old Soldier Dies: 509 words

[k_a_webb]

Written for ysabetwordsmith's link.

See the beginning of this story here (LJ link).

Richard couldn't think of anything to say. There were clichés he could use, like life isn't fair, but he didn't want to use them on the man in front of him. It wouldn't be right. After fighting for your country the soldiers should be looked after, but they weren't. Maybe, if someone had bothered to think for five minutes, instead of being under a bed remembering the worst times of his life the poor soldier he was looking at might have died in bed a happy man.

“Will you come with me, sir?” Richard asked. “You'll feel safer in the afterlife and there will be people there who will help you.”

The old soldier looked at his hand, tears trickling slowly down his cheeks. “I don't look dead.”

“Did Charis look dead?”

“No, I suppose she didn't.” There was a short silence. “Neither did my friends, but they were dead, and she took them away. Where did she take them to?”

“The afterlife, sir,” Richard said, wishing he could say Valhalla. Valhalla did exist, as it was a place of death, but no one was taken there any longer. “Due to the nature of your death I'll be taking you straight to your spirit guide, who will help you come to terms with what has happened to you.”

“What happens if I don't go?”

Richard hated it when a spirit asked about what would happen if they stayed, but he always answered. Talking about poltergeists, and what they went through, reminded him of how important his job really was, as well as terrifying him. Letting down the soldier in front of him, who would be very likely to become a poltergeist because of what his life was like, was something he didn't want to do.

“At first you will wander. It's what spirits do when they've got nothing else to fill their time with. No one will be able to see or hear you and you won't be able to see any of the other spirits who may be on Earth. Being alone will make you angry. Seeing people living their lives, maybe wasting them, will also make you angry, because you're not alive. The anger will eventually make you into a poltergeist, which a very angry spirit with the power to move things and hurt people.” Richard sighed. “Is that what you want, sir?”

“I never want to hurt anyone else again,” the soldier replied, his voice wavering. “In the war I hurt people because I had no other choice, but I have a choice now.”

Slowly the old soldier began to wriggle out from under the bed, his spirit leaving his body behind. Richard hoped that someone would find the body soon and give the soldier a nice funeral, because that was what the man deserved. When another firework went off the soldier stopped moving.

“There are no fireworks in the afterlife,” Richard said, keeping his voice gentle. “No wars, nothing to remind you of what you have been through, and time to deal with everything.”

© K A Jones 2011

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. This entry was originally posted at http://kajones-writing.dreamwidth.org/40257.html. It currently has comments.

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[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

This is wonderful. I think Richard makes a very good Death.


>>After fighting for your country the soldiers should be looked after, but they weren't. <<

There's a person shift from "your" to "they" above. I suggest changing "your" to "their" to fix that.

>>Valhalla did exist, as it was a place of death, but no one was taken there any longer. <<

Now that's interesting, because 1) Asatru is a fairly popular Pagan tradition in contemporary times, and 2) it's especially popular among soldiers, police, and other people with a fair chance "to die with weapon in hand."

>>The anger will eventually make you into a poltergeist, which a very angry spirit <<

That should say "which is" above.

>>“There are no fireworks in the afterlife,” Richard said, keeping his voice gentle.<<

Oh, good catch! That was exactly the right thing to say.


I'd like to put 3 points toward this story. Given where it's at now, I suspect that 1000 words may be enough to finish it -- get the soldier into the afterlife, and maybe find something constructive he could do there, or meet up with old buddies.

Re: Feedback

[natalief.livejournal.com]

>>After fighting for your country the soldiers should be looked after, but they weren't. <<
There's a person shift from "your" to "they" above. I suggest changing "your" to "their" to fix that.

I actually think that "their" works okay in this situation. In older-style "Queen's English" we would have said:

After fighting for one's country the soldiers wshould have been looked after, but these days they were not.

In current usage English, "your" is a valid alternative to "one's" although "our" would also work. To be truly honest, there is not an ideal replacement for "one's".