>>Breathing deeply, glancing once more at the door he was expecting Willow and Alder to walk through, before sipping his almost empty coffee, trying to work out why they wanted to talk to him. <<
This is a sentence fragment comprised of many dependent clauses stacked together. I suggest breaking it down:
"Breathing deeply, Adrian glanced once more at the door he was expecting Willow and Alder to walk through. He sipped his almost empty coffee, trying to work out why they wanted to talk to him."
>>Alder picked up one of the cold full mugs of coffee, swept his hand over it, and passed it to Willow.<<
This is awkward. I suggest:
"Alder picked up one of the mugs full of cold coffee, swept his hand over it to warm it, and passed it to Willow."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
Feedback
Date: 2013-01-27 11:19 pm (UTC)This is a sentence fragment comprised of many dependent clauses stacked together. I suggest breaking it down:
"Breathing deeply, Adrian glanced once more at the door he was expecting Willow and Alder to walk through. He sipped his almost empty coffee, trying to work out why they wanted to talk to him."
>>Alder picked up one of the cold full mugs of coffee, swept his hand over it, and passed it to Willow.<<
This is awkward. I suggest:
"Alder picked up one of the mugs full of cold coffee, swept his hand over it to warm it, and passed it to Willow."