>>Peric read the note the sheep inspector had sent him about a conversation she’d had with a seagull that morning. He was always grateful to have more information on the races of Sheepshank<<
You've got the gender marker early enough; a race marker for Peric would be helpful somewhere along here.
>> especially if he knew that they couldn’t afford to buy a charm themselves. <<
Vague antecedent; I suggest "the recipients" instead of "they."
>>The others were usually less expensive one use charms<<
You need a hyphen in "one-use" above.
>>Betram walked into the office<<
That should say "Bertram" above.
>>The mouse smiled up at the raven<<
Here's another reason to mark Peric as a mouse in the beginning of the post: without that, there's no clear way to tell which of them is which in the above phrase.
>>Peric waiting for the question he knew was coming because Bertram knew all of the small things that showed his worry, including tapping his quill on the desk.<<
This is such an awesome clue about their relationship. Also the body language in this episode is very well done. <3
>>because of the treatment their getting<<
That should say "they're" above.
>>Every sees the seagulls<<
That should say "everyone" above.
On the whole, I love this story. It's really fun to see the characters tackling the problem.
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Date: 2013-01-25 12:11 am (UTC)You've got the gender marker early enough; a race marker for Peric would be helpful somewhere along here.
>> especially if he knew that they couldn’t afford to buy a charm themselves. <<
Vague antecedent; I suggest "the recipients" instead of "they."
>>The others were usually less expensive one use charms<<
You need a hyphen in "one-use" above.
>>Betram walked into the office<<
That should say "Bertram" above.
>>The mouse smiled up at the raven<<
Here's another reason to mark Peric as a mouse in the beginning of the post: without that, there's no clear way to tell which of them is which in the above phrase.
>>Peric waiting for the question he knew was coming because Bertram knew all of the small things that showed his worry, including tapping his quill on the desk.<<
This is such an awesome clue about their relationship. Also the body language in this episode is very well done. <3
>>because of the treatment their getting<<
That should say "they're" above.
>>Every sees the seagulls<<
That should say "everyone" above.
On the whole, I love this story. It's really fun to see the characters tackling the problem.