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140.
I have a very strange taste in music sometimes. When I was out with Nan earlier I heard Matt Cardle's 'When We Collide' and it's one of those songs I always feel the need to own. The song itself is quite obviously about domestic violence, which is the whole reason I bought it. Most people probably know this, but when I was a child my parents had a very volatile relationship so a normal night often ended in violence and occasionally ended in a trip to the hospital. At the time it was just normal and I find I spend a lot of time trying not to be like either of them, because I know that I am, in my own way, just as volatile as both of them. Usually I take it out on myself but I still worry that someday I really will do something to James, and it's a hard thing to deal with. Listening to music about domestic violence helps. It always makes me emotional but it's a good sort of emotion, if that makes sense.
A lot of the problems I have did begin during this time. It's almost impossible to go through that sort of thing, especially between the ages of about 5 and 9, although I wouldn't doubt there was stuff before then, without being affected by it. When I want to explain what it was like to witness something like it, especially to Mum who seems to work by the theory that it affected her more than anyone else, because it was normal, but at the same time I knew it shouldn't be. However I was always told that things stay 'within these four walls' and getting past the belief that everything bad has to be kept quiet is very difficult. Personally I never stuck by that rule (which has since turned into the first rule of domestic violence - always lie) because I couldn't not talk about what was happening. Some people didn't believe me when I talked about what happened and that led to me getting bullied because I made up stories. I wish it was a story. I wish that I didn't have the memories I have of that time. I do though. A lot of it has been repressed but I remember more than enough.
So right now I'm listening to the song on repeat and hoping I never become the girl he's singing about, because I know how easy it is to lose control.
A lot of the problems I have did begin during this time. It's almost impossible to go through that sort of thing, especially between the ages of about 5 and 9, although I wouldn't doubt there was stuff before then, without being affected by it. When I want to explain what it was like to witness something like it, especially to Mum who seems to work by the theory that it affected her more than anyone else, because it was normal, but at the same time I knew it shouldn't be. However I was always told that things stay 'within these four walls' and getting past the belief that everything bad has to be kept quiet is very difficult. Personally I never stuck by that rule (which has since turned into the first rule of domestic violence - always lie) because I couldn't not talk about what was happening. Some people didn't believe me when I talked about what happened and that led to me getting bullied because I made up stories. I wish it was a story. I wish that I didn't have the memories I have of that time. I do though. A lot of it has been repressed but I remember more than enough.
So right now I'm listening to the song on repeat and hoping I never become the girl he's singing about, because I know how easy it is to lose control.