k_a_webb | The Afterlife: Richard: Reading Charis’ Journal (part 4)

This entry is part 31 of 39 in the Afterlife collection

Samael shook his head. “I have to.” He looked as though he was close to falling apart too and I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, but I did side with Death in the argument, because as far as I was concerned Samael was being a coward. “Even though you think I’m reacting out of fear I’m not.” He ran a hand through his hair, looking as though he was trying to work out how he should word his thoughts. “The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, but I need to take some time out. You’ve been Death for a century and I’ve been the angel of Death since I woke.

“When I think back to the moment when I opened my eyes I realise that was all I knew. I was the angel of Death. Unfortunately I had no idea what that meant, so I had to work it out, alone, because I knew the others were just as lost as I was. None of us had any idea why we existed and we still don’t. That’s what I’ve been trying to get you to understand. I thought I knew what I was supposed to be doing, but now I’m not so sure.” He took a couple of steps forward. “Before you took on the job I was thinking of taking some time out and then… I met you. I decided to put taking some time off aside for a little while. You’re someone who is meant to be Death, so, even though I was tired before, I kept going.

“Now that I’ve done something as stupid as fall in love with you…” The silence that followed told me that he hadn’t expected to say that out loud. “I said that wrong.” He rubbed his face with his hands. “Being in love with you isn’t stupid, you aren’t stupid, it’s just the situation… I don’t know how to deal with this and I’m reacting badly and I know that, but that doesn’t change the fact that I can’t do this any more, and it isn’t just because I’m in love with you. There are so many reasons I can’t do this any longer and my feelings for you are just one of them. I’m so sorry.”

Death took hold of Samael’s hands and looked at him. “I don’t think I can do this without you.” Death’s anger seemed to have faded. “Sam, I don’t want you to feel like you have to keep doing this for me, but I have to be honest with you. Even though you say I’m meant to be Death there are times when this job is too much for me.” He shook his head. “I think it would be too much for anyone to do alone and if you walk away now there are going to be Deaths that follow me who won’t have anyone there to support them, which will change them and not for the better. Take some time out if that’s really what you need to do, but come back to me, please.”

Tearing his hands out of Death’s Samael stepped backwards. “I don’t need a couple of years.” Whatever he had been feeling before it was obvious it had turned into anger. “I have existed for over two millennia. I have been guiding the spirits of the dead here ever since then and it took me a little while to convince the Council that I needed someone to help me with the job, because I couldn’t do it all alone. That didn’t change anything for me, I was still guiding the spirits of the dead and I still do, even though you do the majority of the works now, because I thought that was what I was supposed to be doing. Now… I look at you and I feel superfluous. Even though you say you need me you don’t truly mean that.

“You need a friend. You need someone to listen to you talk when you’re having a bad day, someone to hold you when you’re crying, someone to celebrate with you when something good has happened. You don’t need the angel of Death.”

“How hard is it for you to understand that you are my friend? It doesn’t matter to me that you’re an angel or that you’re the angel of Death. Walk away from the job, if that’s what you think is right for you, but don’t walk away from me. There’s no reason for you to.”

“Apart from the fact you’re Death.” Samael sighed. “You’re my best friend, you’re the man I’m in love with, you’re Death, you’re a ball and a chain, you’re my freedom and my prison, and if I don’t walk away from you then I will never truly be walking away from the job. No matter what you say it is going to be impossible for you to give me the time I need, because you’ll want to talk to me about you day, about the spirits that you’ve met, and if that happens then I’m not actually going to be taking the time out that I need.”

Sadly I agreed with that. If Samael stayed friends with Death, the way Death so desperately needed, things would be just the same. Nothing really would have changed and that’s what Samael needed. As I sat there, looking at the Lake, looking between two people who wanted to be with each other, but couldn’t because of what they were, all I wanted to do was step into that time and wrap my arms around both of them. There would have been nothing I could do to fix things, not really, but I could at least have made them feel a little better, like they each had someone there for them, which is what they needed.

Death obviously did as well because he slumped, tears trickling down his cheeks. “If you really need to go, Sam, then go. Let’s not drag this out any longer than it needs to be.”

“No.” Samael shook his head and stepped towards Death again. “I’m not going to leave you in this state.” Samael wrapped his arms around Death. “Even though I knew this was going to be hard I wasn’t expecting it to be this hard.”

“You weren’t expecting me to argue.”

Samael smiled. “I was expecting you to argue, but I wasn’t expecting them to make me want to stay with you.” The smile faded. “Honestly, if I could stay I would. I just know that if I do I’m not going to be Samael for much longer. I’m so tired.” He kissed the top of Death’s head. “All I wish is that it wasn’t you I had to walk away from, because this isn’t fair on you. I love you, more than words can say, and I don’t want to leave you, I don’t want you to have the weight of being Death on your shoulders for the rest of your time here, but I should have stopped a long time ago.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“There are Deaths and then there are Deaths. Before you took the job I spent a lot of time working with Deaths who only took the job because they felt sorry for their predecessor, which is one of the reasons someone often find themselves in the position, but normally there’s something more to them. A spark, a reason the Council chose them, but it’s been hard, recently for someone to find a spirit willing to do this, and there’s been a lot of Deaths who’ve lasted a century or less, because they aren’t meant to be doing this job. It’s been too difficult for them to keep going.” Samael sighed. “Honestly, even though it was disappointing, I understood.

“How could I not? It wasn’t until you because Death that I saw the spark again. I have no idea how long it’s been, but much longer than I’m happy about, and that’s why I stayed. Of course I never expected to fall in love with you, which has made things difficult, and as you’re the first true Death is a long time there are more poltergeists to be dealt with than there would be normally, because the others didn’t have the compassion that is needed to be able to truly understand why there are spirits who want to stay on Earth.”

“I never wanted to. Life had been difficult and I was glad to move on, although I never expected this. It’s not the sort of thing you could really expect from death.” Death wrapped his arms tightly around Samael as though he knew for certain it would be the last time. “Meeting you was just as unexpected.”

“Becoming Death wasn’t.”

“That made more sense to me than meeting an angel, Sam, because I never believed that angels existed. In all honesty I had trouble with God, not that I ever would have said that out loud, and now that I’ve met you I finally have a reason for not believing in him.”

“Just because I wasn’t created by Him. He might exist. He might even have made me, because I have no idea how I ended up in the angel’s lounge and neither does Mikhael. When he went to sleep the night before I wasn’t there and then when he woke up in the morning I was curled up in the same place he was when he woke.” Samael bit his lip. “I’m glad Mikhael was there. If I’d have been alone…”

According to the journals Gabriel was the first of the angels, but no one knew what had happened to him between the time that he woke and the time that Mikhael did. It was something Gabriel preferred not to talk about, which always made me think something bad had happened to him, so he choses not to be a part of the afterlife any longer. For him it’s the better option. It appears to have also been the better option for Samael during the last millennia, but seeing that conversation with the Death of that time, the Death he did actually fall in love with against his better judgement, I can forgive him for not being here for me.

For the first time I truly feel sorry for poor Samael. I wish I’d understood before, wish the Deaths before me had understood, and I will do my best to make whoever follows me understand, but I know it’s not that simple. Without seeing what happened between Samael and the last Death that spent time with him it’s impossible to truly accept that walking away really was Samael’s only option. It was possible to see that just by looking into his eyes, because, even in the Lake, they were so tired.

***

Richard had read that entry before, but only once, and he realised why for the first time. Until he met Samael he’d been angry with the angel of Death for walking away from them, for not being there when he was needed, so listening to Charis explain that Samael really had needed some time away had just made things worse, and reading that entry had annoyed Richard so much when he first read it that he wanted to throw the journal across the room. He though that the Lake was showing Charis what she wanted to see, confirmation of her theory, rather than what she should see, which was what really happened the day Samael had walked away.

Having a chance to get to know him had changed all that. Richard had heard the pain in Samael voice when he talked about the Death he walked away from and since Caitlyn had found out about it the two of them were trying to find the spirit who had been Death at that time. Unfortunately it wasn’t as simple as they wanted to be, but that wasn’t going to stop them. They were going to find him, there were going to reunite him with Samael, and after that it was up to the two of them to work out what was going to happen after that. Of course they both knew it might go wrong, but from the vision Charis had Richard didn’t think it would.

The entry was one he’d show Caitlyn, because it might help in her hunt for him, as he’d stopped using the journal as a journal not long after Samael had walked away. After a scribble of ‘he’s gone’ all that was in the journal was lists of the spirits that Death had guided into the afterlife. It wasn’t exactly a surprise. Richard couldn’t imagine wanting to write anything if he’d lost the person he loved and it was easy to imagine how hard it would have been if Caitlyn had moved on before he did. He put Charis’ journal down, looking for the one that had been written by Samael’s last Death.

Mirrored from K. A. Webb Writing.

The Afterlife: Richard: Reading Charis’ Journal (part 4)

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