ext_3219 ([identity profile] ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com) wrote in [personal profile] k_a_webb 2011-12-31 06:20 pm (UTC)

Feedback

I'm pleased to see a disabled character here -- not many people write about them. Also you did a good job with the interaction between a blind and a sighted person.

>>The flame moves, especially when there's a breeze, so the light and shadows change regularly.<<

It would be better to say "constantly" or something like that, since the change is often but not regular.

>>“Zander is stood on the other side of the square<<

Delete "is" above.

>>You would have been a very different person of you'd chosen to stay at home<<

That should say "if" above.

I think this is my favorite episode of the advent story so far.

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